Violence Against the Husband Is Likewise Forbidden, Just as Violence Against the Wife Is

Note: The fact that the mere mention of violence within marital relationships immediately brings to mind violence by the husband against the wife may stem either from external reality or from decades of feminist propaganda. Regardless of the underlying reason, the reality is that far less has been said regarding violence against the husband, and consequently, its jurisprudential dimensions have likewise been far less explored. On this subject, we spoke with Hujjat al-Islam wal-Muslimin Sayyid Muhammad Ali Faqihi, professor of advanced fiqh and principles of jurisprudence (usul) at the Qom Seminary. While explicitly affirming that violence against the husband is forbidden (haram) just as violence against the wife is, he notes that in cases of conflict between the Lawgiver’s pronouncement and custom’s understanding of violence, the Lawgiver’s pronouncement must be given precedence—since the Creator of humanity knows better which ruling serves the benefit and welfare of human life. The detailed exclusive interview conducted by Contemporary Fiqh with this professor of advanced fiqh and usul at the Qom Seminary follows below:

Contemporary Fiqh: Can violence within marital relationships occur solely against the wife, or can violence by the wife against the husband also be conceived of?

Faqihi: Violence in Islam—whether originating from the husband or from the wife—is forbidden. The Holy Qur’an states in Surah al-Rum: “Wa min ayatihi an khalaqa lakum min anfusikum azwajan litaskunu ilayha wa ja’ala baynakum mawaddatan wa rahmah, inna fi dhalika la-ayatin li-qawmin yatafakkarun” (“And among His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves, that you may find tranquility in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed, in that are signs for a people who reflect.”)

This verse is not specific to men but encompasses both men and women; thus, violence originating from either party is forbidden. In this blessed verse, the Exalted God speaks of mawaddah (affection)—that is, the pinnacle of attachment created between man and woman. It is related from Imam al-Sadiq (peace be upon him) that he said: “Let there never be a frown on your face.” In this hadith, he identifies frowning as an instance of violence against one’s spouse. Conversely, the Imam (peace be upon him) also states: “Mal’unatun mal’unatun imra’atun tu’dhi zawjaha wa tughimmuhu, wa sa’idatun sa’idatun imra’atun tukrimu zawjaha wa la tu’dhihi wa tuti’uhu fi jami’i ahwalih” (“Cursed, cursed is the woman who distresses her husband and grieves him; and blessed, blessed is the woman who honors her husband, does not distress him, and obeys him in all circumstances.”)

Therefore, violence is forbidden both on the part of the husband and on the part of the wife. There is also a hadith related from the Noble Prophet, addressed to a woman who mistreats her husband: “Woe unto you, you have destroyed your religion. All the angels curse you, and your acts of worship will not be accepted unless you obtain your husband’s satisfaction.”

Contemporary Fiqh: Can instances such as coldness in sexual relations, the wife’s use of vulgar language during intercourse, and compelling the husband to engage in certain acts during intercourse be regarded as instances of sexual violence against the husband? What is the jurisprudential ruling on this matter?

Faqihi: Sexual violence has no specific instance of its own; rather, speaking generally and in light of the hadith tradition, violence—whether against the husband or against the wife—is forbidden. That is, even if certain instances have been mentioned, they are mentioned as external examples, not as though the prohibition were confined to them specifically. Therefore, violence—whether verbal, behavioral, or in any other form—is forbidden.

Contemporary Fiqh: Can humiliating the husband, comparing him to other men, threatening him with divorce, and being aggressive, harsh, or abusive toward him be regarded as instances of verbal violence against the husband? What is the jurisprudential ruling on this matter?

Faqihi: Violence is a matter determined by custom (‘urf), and custom itself determines its instances. When a dispute arises between husband and wife, God states: “Fa-hkum baynahuma…”—meaning one arbitrator on behalf of the wife and one on behalf of the husband should be appointed to arbitrate and resolve the dispute between them. These matters are entirely customary, and the determination of instances is likewise entirely a matter of custom, except in exceptional cases where the Lawgiver has intervened and stated that a particular matter poses no problem—in which case it falls among the exceptions. The wife must be obedient to her husband, except in matters involving disobedience to God, in which case the circumstances differ.

Contemporary Fiqh: Given that instances of violence against men (both physical and verbal) perpetrated by women are not insignificant, why is violence within marital relationships interpreted solely as violence by men against women?

Faqihi: The general principle is the ruling of custom (‘urf); however, if the sacred Lawgiver has, in a given instance, specified what constitutes an instance of violence, and a conflict arises between the Lawgiver’s pronouncement and custom’s understanding, custom’s role becomes void, and the Lawgiver’s statement serves as the criterion. It is possible that the Lawgiver does not regard something as an instance of violence, while custom regards it as such. In such cases, where the Lawgiver has intervened, the Lawgiver’s ruling takes precedence over the ruling of custom—for our Creator understands the philosophy of violence better than we do. Indeed, custom holds authority only in matters where the Lawgiver has not specifically intervened. For example, the sacred Lawgiver has stated regarding the wife’s tamkin (compliance): if the wife fails to comply, one should withdraw from her (estrangement); and if she still fails to comply, one may strike her—not with severe force, but with a gentle, moderate strike. In this instance, custom might not accept that a wife may be estranged from or struck; yet because the sacred Lawgiver has specifically intervened, the Lawgiver’s statement takes precedence over custom’s understanding.

The religion of Islam is eternal and applies to all times, places, and eras. The Qur’an is eternal, and the hadiths of the Imams (peace be upon them), which convey a divine ruling, are likewise eternal. “Halalu Muhammadin halalun ila yawm al-qiyamah wa haramuhu haramun ila yawm al-qiyamah” means that what the Prophet declared lawful remains lawful, and what he declared unlawful remains unlawful, until the Day of Judgment—unless he himself specified a time limit for a particular ruling. Religion is not compatible with the demands of modern intellectualism; therefore, religion cannot be manipulated according to contemporary demands. This does not mean, of course, that religion has nothing to say on such matters; rather, the point is that manipulating religion according to personal desires is unacceptable.

Each of the rulings legislated for women and for men carries its own particular wisdom. For example, the wife’s tamkin exists because the husband may otherwise become susceptible to corruption; under certain specific circumstances, if nushuz (non-compliance) were to occur without consequence, the husband’s security against moral corruption would be at risk. Likewise, the requirement that leaving the home be with the husband’s permission exists because this matter carries a security dimension, since the wife is generally more vulnerable—otherwise, there is fundamentally no prohibition involved. Indeed, excessive strictness toward the wife may even lead to estrangement or to a cooling of affection and love between the spouses.

Contemporary Fiqh: Is violence against one’s spouse confined solely to violence by the husband against the wife, or does it also encompass violence by the wife against the husband?

Faqihi: Both the husband committing violence against the wife is forbidden, and the wife committing violence against the husband, on the other side, is forbidden. Imam Ali (peace be upon him) states: “Khiyaru khisali al-nisa’i shirar khisali al-rijal: al-zahwu, wa’l-jubnu, wa’l-bukhlu; fa-idha kanat al-mar’atu mazhuwwatan lam tumakkin min nafsiha, wa idha kanat bakhilatan hafizat malaha wa mala ba’liha, wa idha kanat jabanatan fariqat min kulli shay’in ya’riduha” (“The best qualities in women are the worst qualities in men: vanity, cowardice, and miserliness; for when a woman is vain, she does not allow herself to be taken advantage of; when she is miserly, she safeguards her own wealth and her husband’s wealth; and when she is timid, she is fearful of everything that confronts her.”) This statement indicates that the relationship between husband and wife must be founded upon affection and love, and that the two should complement one another—if the husband is generous, the wife should safeguard the family’s wealth; if the husband is courageous, the wife should be cautious. Elsewhere, he also states: “No deed is accepted from a woman unless she secures her husband’s satisfaction; otherwise, even her prayer is not accepted.”